if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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