the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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