Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
