When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
