Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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