I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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