I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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