i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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