All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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