Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
