Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
