the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
