i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
