The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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