im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
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