I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
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so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
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Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Come on in and take your pants off
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