Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
