whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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