It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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