i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
