i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
