How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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