the condom got lost in my hair
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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