Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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