my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
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I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
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It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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