i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
