i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
