I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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