My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize