Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
