No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
