I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
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Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
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You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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