I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
