dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
