My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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