When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
