I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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