too bad you live with your parents still
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
