So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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