She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
