Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
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