My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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