My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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