so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You're like the curious george of whores
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
