I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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