I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
