Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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