If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
