sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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