Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
