Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
