No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
