just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
