you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Floor bacon is actually really good
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
