so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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