Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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