nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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